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Ric's willingness to sit down and talk with me, to listen to me as a person with interesting ideas helped me to reevaluate myself and him.
When I thought of myself as a failure
That there was something wrong
With me I thought there had to be
Something wrong with you
For loving me.
To share in the writing of our contract is necessary for me as I need to feel that my ideas are valued by Ric. Talking had always been one of our problems. "I" statements have improved our communication. "You make me..." always hooks into Ric's defensiveness and implies that he is responsible for my feelings. Planning how he could defend himself, "What did I do?", kept him from hearing me.
"
I feel angry" doesn't imply he's responsible. His usual response to this is, "Do you want to talk about it?" Often just owning the feeling is enough: I feel better.
I like a written contract for reference and also as a reminder that Ric is someone I value.
A neighbor would come over, I'd say, "Hi, how are you? Sit down, let's talk. May I fix you a cup of something?" Ric came home, not even a greeting. He'd go immediately into the living room, turn on the T.V. and start reading the newspaper. I'd go into the kitchen feeling hurt, hate. I could hold onto these feelings all evening, yelling at the kids, then really letting go on Ric in bed, not able to tell him what it was all about. He thought I was crazy.
About this time an old printer dropped by the print shop where Ric worked. He told the men if they wanted a happy marriage it would take one minute of their time every day and he guaranteed it would work. First thing you do when you get home from work, he told them, is take your wife into your arms, sweep her to the floor in a Valentino kiss, look her in the eye and say I love ya, honey!
We tried it and it worked. Now if Ric forgets to greet me I greet him. I used to think if Ric really loved me he'd know what I needed without me telling him. I would feel disappointed when he couldn't read my mind. Anyway it wasn't nice for a woman to ask to be loved, noticed.
Also, I feel more secure knowing when Ric goes off to work he'll come home. |
